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THE BRIDGEWATER-SOMERVILLE CONNECTION
MARCH 2013
www.theconnectionsnj.com
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BARBER/STYLIST
STYLIST
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South Bridge Street
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S. Bridge Street, Somerville, NJ 08876
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It has been a while since…
By: Ellyn Mantell
I rarely write about pain…there is enough of it in this world…you certainly don’t need me
to bring it to mind. But I have been thinking recently, however, that a growing source of
pain for many is addiction, and whether we are personally dealing with it, or watching
one we love battle the demons, it is becoming a
SLICE OF LIFE
for many. We all learn to
cope, yet how we cope, the coping skills we learn as toddlers, children, teens and adults,
well, they enable us to fortify ourselves against the destruction of our soul. But coping
skills often come at a price, and for so many talented, brave and intelligent people, that
coping is addiction, which torments and eventually destroys our very heart.
A few years ago, I wrote an article about my eating disorder, which appeared in
NEWSWEEK.
It is a highlight of any writer’s dreams to appear in a national magazine,
especially one with the prestige of that publication. In the article, I shared my guilt for the
ability to attend college, leaving my sisters home with parents who were not mentally
well. This led to my feelings of low self-esteem, my self-hatred, my despair for the “nor-
mal life” I assumed everyone else was living. The coping skills I developed included deny-
ing myself food, hydration, friends, sleep, and pleasure of any type. These years later, I
will go one step further, and tell you that I now think of eating disorders, like so many
other obsessive-compulsive issues, as having at its root, an addiction to
self-punish-
ment,
and at the root of all addiction, I believe, is
shame and guilt.
And like any other
addiction, an addict will do anything necessary to get their next fix…anything!
Punishment has so many layers to it, and such an addict can cross over to other destruc-
tive behaviors quite readily. An eating disorder can lead to starvation or gorging, over-
exercising, laxative abuse, cutting…shame and guilt are incredibly powerful triggers!
So from where does this shame and guilt come? Does it emerge from “bad behavior” or
from violating the dictum of our parents’ morals? Is it because “everyone” is doing what-
ever is the “IT“ thing we are told not to do, and we don’t have the confidence in our-
selves to pull back and stand away? Or is it related to shame over a negative body image,
certainly worsened by the influential media? Perhaps. Or perhaps, as in my case, it is
because we are terrified of those in our lives discovering that we are nothing but
shells,
filled not with what the world sees…but filled instead with low self-worth, low self-value,
self-anger because we feel we don’t “measure up” to others. This may be a response to
poor nurturing, or a response to issues beyond our control, or the myriad of possibilities
in-between. We then attempt to create this person we want to be. In order for us to do
that, however, we must sublimate our pain and suffering, pushing it further down into
our psyche. Living a life devoid of the truths intrinsic to each of us, regardless of how
compelling and seductive it might be, is a recipe for disaster…there is no strong founda-
tion upon which to build your world, so everything has the potential to crumble.
How then, does the addict begin the very difficult and overwhelming Herculean task of
terminating the self-punishment? No doubt, there will be as many answers to that ques-
tion as there are addicts and addictions. But certain precepts are a constant, and since I
have been asked countless times how I became healthy, I will share my memories: first of
all, I wanted there to be a change, and I was (finally) willing (albeit scared to take such a
mammoth step,) to ask for the help to make that happen. Although, as so many of us
are, I was surrounded by loving and caring people, it wasn’t until I was ready to be loved
and embraced, that their words, as well as their loving actions, no longer fell on deaf ears.
Fortunately for me, I knew (eventually) I needed professional help, and that came in the
form of multi-disciplinary therapy, including behavior modification, goal-setting and
intensive rebuilding of a fragile ego. That being my springboard, I then began to surround
myself with people who showed love and respect, since as I grew to love and respect
myself, I could settle for nothing less. It is certainly predictable that bad can lead to bad…
but amazing how quickly good can lead to good. As I was becoming healthier, my life
became fuller, richer, exponentially, and that is the most encouraging news I can give any-
one struggling…it is not a ladder, but a beautiful mosaic of connecting accomplishments,
profound relationships and loving experiences.
For all who are in pain, for all who love someone in pain, for all who fear they are sliding
down the slippery slope of addiction, I want you to know that there are those of us who
have gone before you. We have survived…you will survive. The battle is not an easy one,
but winning is the only result acceptable. You need to reach out…you need to ask for
help, you need to be prepared to make the changes that will bring you to good health.
Then rely upon that indomitable spirit in all of us, and it will be there for you.