Page 10 - The Connection Bernards-Ridge Edition, September 2012

PAGE 10 THE BERNARDS-RIDGE CONNECTION SEPTEMBER 2012
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Where KID POWER - UH OH!
By: Dr. Michael Osit
Do you have a bossy, controlling
child? Some children just don’t know
their place as the “child” in the fami-
ly or even with their peers. But for
many others, you need to look a bit
deeper to understand the controlling
behavior. It just might not be the case
that he or she is a “control freak.”
Controlling behavior is similar to any
other behavior in that it serves a pur-
pose or goal for your child. Behaviors
exhibited by children are only the sur-
face layer covering or expressing a
need. You must first understand what
drives the behavior before you are
able to help your controlling child.
There are four basic needs that lie
beneath the surface of controlling
behavior in children. Consider your
child and try to determine which of
the four best fits your child. Doing so
will help you know effective ways to
temper your child’s need for control.
Control Due To Empowerment
Some children need to control others
simply for the gratifying feeling of
empowerment. They experience
something called effectance motiva-
tion which is the result of the good
feeling from having a significant
effect on their environment. When
your child gets other people to do
things at their will it gives them a
gratifying feeling, which in turn, caus-
es them to continue their bossy ways.
In other words, they become motivat-
ed from the positive feeling of making
people do things or by getting their
way.
If you sense that your child gets
enjoyment from empowering feel-
ings, you need to give him or her con-
trol in situations defined by you. By
placing parental parameters on when
your child gets to “decide” what oth-
ers will do will fulfill the empower-
ment need. In other situations, a
statement such as, “Sometimes you
get to decide things for the family
and sometimes you don’t,” will help
your child realize the limits of control-
ling behavior.
Control Due To Anxiety
Anxiety and fear are unpleasant emo-
tions that children need to cope with
in some way. Controlling their envi-
ronment to make it familiar and pre-
dictable is one method children use to
avoid feeling anxious or afraid. They
are not bossy to feel empowered,
they are merely making sure their sur-
roundings feel safe to them. In this
case, parents need to identify the
feeling for their child and reassure
them that nothing bad will happen if
they allow others to do what they
want to do. That they will be okay
with surprises. Have them test out
“surprises” in their social environ-
ment and discuss the results to help
allay their anxiety.
Control Due To Lack Of Control
Some parents have too many rules or
don’t allow their child to make
enough decisions for themselves.
This can create a dependent and/or
oppressed feeling in your child.
When children feel a lack of autono-
my and control they can become con-
trolling or bossy as an attempt to gain
independence and freedom. If you
use this type of parenting style you
need to start allowing your child to
make more decisions. Decision mak-
ing and accepting the consequences
of those decisions is an important life
skill and should be taught as soon as
your child can use social reasoning.
Give them options and choices when-
ever it is appropriate to do so.
Control Due To Chaos
Perhaps you are not the most organ-
ized parent in the world. When a
child feels like their world is chaotic or
disorganized they can become con-
trolling and bossy as an attempt to
impose structure and order into their
lives. If this describes you, take a look
at your organizational skills and work
on better planning, time manage-
ment, and organizing your home.
Dr. Osit is a psychologist and author
of “Generation Text: Raising Well
Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant
Everything.” He has offices in Warren
and Morristown. For questions and
comments:Dr.Michael.Osit@gmail.com.
www.theconnectionsnj.com