www.theconnectionsnj.com
Health and Wellness
PAGE 64
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Individual & Couples Counseling
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Groups for Men, Women & Couples
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Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
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Explore New Ways of Being Together in Partnership
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Rediscover & Renew Your Commitment to Each Other
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Addiction & Recovery Counseling
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Rediscover the Joy & Spiritual Potential of Your Relationship
Susan & Bill Schoonover
908-755-3203
email:
couplescounselingcenter@gmail.com
website:
couplescounseling-nj.com
Watchung, NJ
I would like to take advantage of
this article to be more open to sharing
my personal experiences as a way to
offer more understanding of what
growing in a relationship is like. I am a
runner and when out on the highways
and byways of the county; my mind
opens to the reality of my life. I would
like to be able to share those lucid and
healing moments. It is as if there is a
freedom to remember the past with a
truth that is difficult when my mind
keeps playing a tape of my story.
Running has become a method by
which I can be in the moment. It has
become the easiest way for me to quiet
my mind for a long period of time.
What has become really clear is that
my life is a continuous lesson on how
to learn two things:
1.
How to forgive
and
2.
How to love. I was abused both
physically and emotionally. I witnessed
the same abuses to my mother. The
anger and rage that I experienced in
those early years became a behavioral
problem for me, even though I used
sports as a way to deal with this anger.
I still had difficulties in my social life.
Today I know that all of the chemicals
released in my body during those con-
trolled activities continued to dictate
my behavior even in normal situations.
It was easy to indulge myself in very
explosive behavior. It felt good. I
became addicted to adrenaline and
cortisol. Social activities and dating
were very difficult, too sedate. In order
to feel comfortable in those activities, I
found that a few beers would make
the world a different place. I could
have fun and act crazy. I began to use
alcohol as a way to come down after a
game. This pattern followed me from
high school to Syracuse to Cleveland.
My life became very conflicted and
confusing. All of this is the background
to help understand that our current
frustrations are a result of our past
experiences. The truth is we do have
the ability to heal and learn new ways
of behaving.
Let’s start with infancy. Parents are
usually happy to give babies attention
and pay close attention to their needs.
Somehow that changes as we get
older. We begin to think that these
responsibilities are obligations and that
we are without choice. This can result
in resentments. We don't always get
what we want and these resentments
grow. We think our partners should
know our wants and needs. We don't
always get what we want. We become
afraid to ask for what we want in fear
of being denied or we ask for too
much and are experienced as never
getting enough. All of these thoughts
were formed in our developmental
process which is usually complete by
age six. Poor communication skills and
expectations create major problems
and continue until an intervention
takes place. We can also make up sto-
ries in order to make things okay. As
young people, we can be very creative.
Sometimes the truth gets lost and we
live through a story that we keep
telling ourselves. The process of
becoming clear and discovering the
truth can be very challenging. Since we
strongly identify with the story, we
become afraid of whom we will be, if
we change our beliefs. Relationships
are the way to the truth. Sometimes
we go from one relationship to anoth-
er and end up with the same frustra-
tions and resentments we had without
ever getting to the truth.
A very good way to have a wonder-
ful relationship is to appreciate the
basic goodness of each other no mat-
ter what mistakes they make. All the
principles for healing a relationship
come down to three holy ideas: one-
ness, consideration, love. Allow your-
self to feel soft when it is your impulse
to be harsh, generous when it is your
impulse to withhold, open when your
impulse is to shut down emotionally.
By: Susan and Bill Schoonover
Is
SNORING
a problem in your household?
Are you
TIRED
of not getting restful sleep?
If you answered
YES
,
then we need to talk
Oral ApplianceTherapy is approved for the treatment
of Snoring and obstructive Sleep Apnea
Call for complimentary visit
PETER J. DESCHENES, DDS
FAMILY DENTISTRY
WashingtonValley Office Park, 163WashingtonValley Rd. Suite 102,Warren
732-271-1818
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